You’ve seen the photos: clever kitchen shortcuts, cute “tablescapes,” adorable storage solutions.
Maybe you peruse these sites in secret. Glance at them while snacking on fat-free yogurt on your lunch break. Imagine how much more satisfying your life would be if you could peel a mango in under ten seconds or bake a birthday cake for your hedgehog.
Most of the time, a person can scroll past the kittens and koi in your latte, but occasionally an image will trigger the viewer, releasing a cascade of adrenaline. The urge to act cannot be stopped.
For me, it was the grilled cheese sandwich you can make in a toaster. Chef Jamie Oliver was documented to have done it. With over a million web-links, I was confident I could do it.
Here are the instructions:
1. Turn the toaster on its side.
2. Put cheese on bread.
3. Slide into the slots.
4. Toast.
5. Remove the bread and enjoy.
Here’s what really happened:
1. Turn toaster on its side.
2. Discover sides are rounded and won’t lie flat.
3. Find a wooden spoon to brace the toaster.
4. Put cheese on bread.
5. Slide into the slots.
6. Watch toaster topple off the spoon.
7. Replace toaster back on wooden spoon.
8. Remove bread from slots.
9. Turn toaster upside down and shake out the spilled bits of cheese.
10. Repeat Steps 4 through 9.
11. Repeat Step 10.
12. Remember you forgot to get the camera.
13. Get the camera.
14. Reposition spoon.
15. Repeat Step 11.
16. Press “start” button.
17. Take picture of smoke coming out of the toaster.
18. Fan smoke in attempt to keep fire alarm from activating.
19. Allow toaster to toast until smoke obscures bread.
20. Press the “cancel” button while positioning hand to catch bread coming out.
21. Burn fingers.
22. Get a fork.
23. Stick fork in toaster to retrieve one slice of bread.
24. Repeat Step 21.
25. Repeat Step 23 for the other side.
26. Repeat Step 24.
27. Take pictures of the underdone yet burned toasted cheese and bread.
28. Contemplate throwing everything in the trash.
29. Taste the toasted bread and cheese.
30. Burn roof of mouth.
31. Find a cold beverage to soothe burned mouth.
And the most critical step in the recipe:
32. Vow to never again attempt anything labeled “Easy Kitchen Hack.”
