After a fatal stabbing at North Forsyth High School on Tuesday, officials are encouraging parents to talk to their children about what happened.
An incident like that can be traumatic for kids all across the school system.
That’s why licensed mental health counselor Nicole Moore-Geter, the founder of Counseling with a Purpose, says the question shouldn’t be whether or not to talk about it with your child — but how.
“The conversations do really need to happen without creating more fear or minimizing some of the experiences or emotions that the children are already having," she says. "So even when adults try to protect them from the full story, their nervous system, typically, it's going to already sense a disruption in safety. So silence definitely does not protect them, but attuned and developmentally-appropriate conversations do.”
She says the best way to start the discussion is not with facts, but with curiosity.
“Like, 'What have you heard already? Oh, okay, you know, what does your body feel like when you think about what happened?' I think this helps the children process their nervous systems, not just their language," she says.
Parents don’t need to share all of the details of the event. They can just say something unsafe happened, people were hurt and adults are taking steps to make things safer. What’s important is to ask open-ended questions and give children an opportunity to share and be heard.
And how the adult responds is important too.
“Often I think, as adults, we rush to reassure because we want to reassure people that we care about by saying, ‘Hey, you know, it'll be okay, and everything's going to be fine,'" Moore-Geter says. "While well-intentioned, I think unintentionally, we can dismiss the child's felt experience. A better approach is saying something like ’It makes sense that this feels scary to you,’ or ‘I'm here with you.’”
She says naming and normalizing the emotions a child is feeling is a good strategy to move them out of high-stress mode and into regulation. Breathing techniques, yoga, art and other activities with movement are also helpful — and not just for kids.
Moore-Geter says adults need to make sure they’re regulating themselves, too.
“So slowing down your own breathing, lowering your voice, doing a self-inventory and being sure that emotionally, you're regulated in a way you're ready to have that conversation yourself," she says. "So that check-in and keeping a finger on your pulse is important because the child's nervous system borrows from the adult’s calm. And that's neuroscience. It's not just good parenting.”
Moore-Geter says everyone processes trauma differently. But it can often appear as irritability, trouble sleeping, stomachaches, and behavioral changes.
“That's our body’s language for stress. The brain feels safest when we're predictable. So when you notice things like that, try to keep stable routines, show consistency," she says. "It's not about having the perfect words. It's more about being emotionally available, consistent and honest.”
If a child has become increasingly withdrawn, fearful, aggressive or is unable to sleep for multiple days, that’s a strong sign to reach for other supports and involve a mental health professional.
She also encourages families to think about what she calls “community regulation.”
“The connection to one another is powerful," Moore-Geter says. "And so if you have those spaces in the community where you feel connected, where you or your children feel heard, leaning into those is going to be very helpful.”
She adds that parents, educators and providers are all going through this experience too, and they can’t pour from an empty cup. She encourages adults to support each other throughout this time. Without it, they won’t be able to support their students.